I am at the point in my life where I just wanna watch the sun rise and set knowing I have loved and have been loved. But what pain I have had to go through to get me to the reality that life is for LIVING AND LOVING.
I miss the little things; watching my girls play together, laughing with my son, snuggling with my husband. Being content. I realized today that I am so far from my own life, because I am too busy trying to run from it. And it is about the only running I have been doing! Even if I am there, I am not there, you know?! Because life is so wonderful for others right now, I want to live vicariously through them. I see their joy. I wanna know how Autumn’s yoga training is going, if Angela’s house is further along, has Lani left for Santorini yet, and where in the world is Kusum?! Because I adore them and am excited for their journeys. There is nothing wrong with being invested in your friends social media lives, as long as you don’t use it as a way to escape your own REAL life. That’s what I have been doing. I am done with trying to brain drain my life away. I am missing out on the stories and time sharing going on right in front of me in my own home.
I am a flawed woman, I am hard to love, sometimes moody, sometimes impatient, and a lot of the time late. I give so much of myself to others, there isn’t always time for me to accept it back. 3 kids, a husband, friends in different counties and states, I get worn thin trying to extend myself, to show them they are loved. Time is one of my love languages. But when I am feeling like my “me” time is missed, I started lessening time I share. Not to be mean, but to self persevere. To make sure I don’t give away too much of myself and not get back in return what I give out.
In my complacency, I have created noticable space. My daughters feel disconnected, my husband feels shunned, my son feels unloved, and I AM withdrawn. I am not the only problem, but typically, I am the one with the solution. With me being off, the whole family is tense, hurting, and growing further apart.
My husband says, “you don’t know how to do family time anymore huh?” as I am on my cell at dinner. It was my quiet time that we had run over into and I was feeling attacked. I lashed out. I ALWAYS GIVE MY TIME TO YOU!” and I realized in that moment, I was punishing them for my pain, by replacing our time together with watching others share their happy lives. I felt so broken in that moment.
I am feeling guilty about wasting time and making memories that honestly, I would not like my kid’s to hold onto. Mom on her cell phone, ignoring everyone and sad she can’t go to events, isn’t how I want them to remember me when they are grown. Our summer has been fairly quiet because finances are lacking and I am emotionally raw & drained. I can hardly function, finding myself caught up online to keep my thoughts off of loss. This year has been so hard. so so hard. Losing my dad has wounded me deeply. I have been building walls to keep people out ever since. I haven’t spend my time well. I needed to own it. I needed to speak it out loud, so I can be accountable. Holding it in is wrecking me. I am an extrovert, so introvert tendencies are uncomfortable for me. I do not typically internalize, usually I externalize and hash it all out until I have processed it completely. But for the last year, I have been scared to get too close to people, afraid they will go away too. I have cut ties with some friendships that meant a lot to me and put some things I love on the hold in self protection. I don’t even see my friends anymore and even though I am home ALL DAY LONG, my family feels ignored.
And now I need to change it. Time is running out for my kid’s youth and my chance to positively influence and be a emotionally invested mother. My life isnt for cooking and cleaning and social media-ing all day, it is to impact and nurture the lives of my family and friends who make time for me.
I want to show them they are loved, with my time and lessen time spent watching everyone else live. I have to, life is too short, and I never know when the sun will set on my time.
Can you relate?
Sweat ’til You Shine,